Ok kids, Labor Day is just around the corner, so you know what that means? Yes, the end of the 2014 fiscal year is nigh, but that’s not what I had in mind, Moneybags. I’m talking about the start of the new school year! So grab your knapsacks, put on your back-to-school best, and hide that filth under your mattress because you’ll be spending the better part of your waking hours being bossed around by teachers and autonomous school bells. To prepare you for the next nine months, I’m here to give you some tried and true back-to-school tips guaranteed to reduce noogies and swirlies by 50%:
- Wear your newest and best outfit…on the second day: On the first day of school everyone will be wearing their hot new JNCO Jeans, hypercolor shirts, bespoke suits and whatnot. It’s a fashion arms race with mutually-assured juicebox stains the only possible outcome. Sit this one out and wow everyone on day two with your new tearaway Zubaz pants when the rest of school dons outfit #2. Check. Mate.
- Remember to wear pants: Yes, that was just a dream. Double check before you leave the house and keep it that way.