Funemployment Benefits Review

Funemployment. Yes, it’s a glorious time of rest, relaxation, and gazing, both at one’s navel and the television. Yet, as with anything in life, it holds a sinister dark side–the shadowy abyss we in the Fun % call “unemployment benefits review.”

So as a member of the funemployed class, how do we make this experience more fun? Our research labs at The Wheelhouse Review, staffed by underpaid and overeducated interns have come up with a list of ten activities to make your appointment more enjoyable.

Disclaimer: Do not try any of these in an actual unemployment benefits review. Feel free however, to try them at home or at work, on underpaid and overeducated interns.

Pick your outfit!

1. Suit up! And by that we mean, wear a superhero outfit. Hand your resume, boldly emblazoned with the words “With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility” at the top, to your caseworker. Then explain that you haven’t found a job yet because you’ve been making the streets safe for the populace. Pro bono.

or

2. Wear a yellow beret, camo pants, and suspenders. Explain obnoxiously to your caseworker that you are NOT a Guardian Angel and nor would you care to be, even if they did accept your application. Then hand in a spreadsheet of places that you’ve interviewed with “Guardian Angels” in every slot.

Do your homework!

3. If you’re a woman, create your “jobs I’ve applied to” spreadsheet listing out all the Hooters, massage parlors, and strip clubs you can find in the radius of your city. Then, wearing a conservative navy blue pinstripe suit and with hair perfectly coiffed, hand that list to your caseworker.

or

4. Maybe you haven’t actually spent time applying for jobs. If that is the case, shame on you! Don’t besmirch the good name of the Funemployed by not actually looking for real work. Anyway, make a spreadsheet. Crumple it and tear it in places and dribble water and maybe olive oil all over it. Then, explain that your dog ate it, but you wanted to show your resourcefulness by rescuing it from his disgusting maw.

Be prepared!

5. Since you may need to sit in the waiting room for a while, it will probably be a great idea to bring something to occupy your time. Come in with a sketchbook and sit down next to someone and start to sketch them. Do this furiously and passionately for about ten minutes. Then offer them the drawing, which should in reality be a crudely drawn stick figure. To further drive home the point, you can add “starving artist” to your spreadsheet of jobs you’ve applied for!

A Self-Portrait of the Starving Artist As a Young Woman (courtesy of drawception.com)

or

6. Come in carrying two cans of V-8 and a copy of L. Ron Hubbard’s Dianetics. No need to do anything else, but sit in blissful peace and solitude.

Make friends and Influence People!

7. Pretend that you’re at a networking event. Wear a suit and tie and put on your own nametag (preferably with a fake name). Turn to the person next to you and give them your 30 second “elevator” pitch. Then, before they can respond, put on your headphones and look straight ahead.

or

8. Turn to the person sitting next you and say “what part are you up for?” And then when they look back at you, puzzled, say “oh! This isn’t the casting call for “Frightened Inmate #2? I need to call my agent!” and then run out. Note: this one only works if you are gutsy and have enough time to come back later in the week to do your interview.

Crush it!

9. Go into your meeting. Hand in your resume, with the objective that reads: To be the CEO of my own bliss.

or

10. As you hand in your resume to your caseworker, articulately and thoughtfully explain that this period of unemployment has prompted you to considering a career change and how you think you may want to go back to school. When asked what area of study, explain–in detail–the onerous application process for Firetruck College.

There you have it folks. Ten ways to have yourself a funemployment benefits review!*

*We cannot stress enough that you should absolutely NOT do this at your unemployment benefits review.

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Written by Juliet Vedral

Juliet is The Wheelhouse Review’s Founder, Executive Editor and Chief of Parties. Juliet also contributes to Still the Sea, where she writes pop-culture-ridden posts about faith. But if you don’t have a long attention span, just follow her on Twitter. In addition to her wheel collection, she also stores witty banter and running in heels in her wheelhouse.

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