Author’s Note: First, I would like to state for the record, lest this be misinterpreted by my more nitpicky brothers and sisters, this is meant to be a humorous work of fiction NOT a theological statement or document. Second, I am a pretty dedicated fan/follower of Jesus of Nazareth, so my intention is always to make him look good (like, really good).
As I’ve studied the life of Jesus, I find myself identifying with his social proclivities and am curious as to what really went on at all the parties and events he attended. What were they like? What was it like to hang out with him? In that vein, I’ve decided to write fictional accounts of all of the parties Jesus went to, as modern-day emails to God the Father.
I’m beginning at the the start of Jesus’ public ministry. For more biographical information on the life of Jesus, read this. For the Biblical account of this event, read this. And for a video of Jesus-loving hippies dancing in the desert, watch this.
The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, ‘Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and “sinners.”’ But wisdom is proved right by her actions. (Matthew 11: 19)
So, life here on earth has been pretty entertaining. Since quitting my job as a carpenter, I’ve been doing a bit of community organizing and trying to recruit a good team of disciples. As we expected, John the Baptist has been an excellent advance man, really getting the Word out (lol, pun intended!), but I’m worried that we’re setting a bad precedent by going with a guy who eats bugs and wears caveman clothes. And while his methods are unorthodox, he’s definitely the Don Draper of coming up with slogans! Just the other day, when I walked past him, he shouted “Behold, the Lamb of God” and it made a couple of his entourage join mine! And then it went viral! I got four followers in one day. Although one of them was kind of a hater. “Can anything good come from Nazareth?” That’s probably because the only part of Nazareth he’s ever seen is the Desert State Turnpike.
Anyway, last night I went with my moms (btw, she says hi) to this wedding in Cana. Being single and going to weddings is the worst. All the bridesmaids look at you like “ooh fresh meat” and all the older ladies keep asking “when are you going to finally man up and pick a girl to marry? You’re 30.” I never know what to say: “it’s complicated”? “I’m literally dying to put a ring on it, but she’s pretty lukewarm? Sometimes she acts like I don’t even exist.” All that to say, it’s awkward.
So, we’re at this wedding and it’s pretty cool. They got this underground DJ who does a lot of house and trance stuff on the side, but also spun some good hip hop. We all laughed when he played Kanye’s “Jesus Walks.” Yo, they wouldn’t even have believed me if I told them, amiright? They had a light show and some dancers and they even had a human suitcase. Way to be ironic guys! I’m sure in 10 years you’ll look back at those pictures of a midget on rollerskates wearing all your clothes and think “we spent money on an SNL reference from 2011?”
The food was pretty good too. They had a choice of fish or steak, but I went with the steak. I hang out with fishermen all. the. time. and it’s always loaves and fish for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It’s like we never run out of it!
After we danced for a while (you know I love to get my hora on), my mom came over to tell me that they just ran out of wine. My response? “So? Not my problem. And ix-nay on the essiah-may, it’s not time” which elicited the usual eye roll.
Still, as moms do, she told told the servants that I could help them. Sigh, really? So I looked around and saw all these empty jars. After successfully resisting the temptation to hide a Smirnoff Ice in there and make one of them find it, I said “dude, fill these jars up with water.” The servants looked at me like I was crazy (really wanted to Ice them at that point) and asked “tap or bottled.” Really? “Tap, yo. Gotta keep it real.” After they did that, I made them take it to the wedding planner and they rolled their eyes at me. Oh ye of little faith!
Naturally, the wedding planner said “I’ve never tasted wine so good. Normally, people bring out the good stuff before everyone’s too drunk to notice we’re serving Three-Buck-Chuck, but they kept the best until now.” He asked what varietal it was. What this Sideways? It was tough to resist the temptation to tell him that it was transubstantiated, but like I said, my time has not yet come. But seriously, if they think that this is the best wine, they have no idea that one day, they’ll be doing shots of ME.*
What if we made it where they have to get down on one knee and drink the wine and eat the bread in one shot? Too much? It’s weird, people never get my sense of humor. John’s the serious one but no one believes me. I mean, why else would people always invite me to their parties?
Next Episode: P’n’B Bethany Style!
*Note: The author would like to state that she is not coming down on a position regarding transubstantiation, though it may appear that way in this fictional account which is intended to be humorous and read with creative license.