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(Author’s note: This week’s post was scheduled to be my review of the classic film “Twilight,” after getting crushed in the first annual readers poll. But I’ve been up with nightmares since watching the vampiric tour-de-romance, so that will have to wait until next week (Scout’s honor). Instead, I’m resurrecting a post from my old blog, the humor of which I hope will be as eternal as those sexy teenage vampires).
Rewind to April 22, 2012: Earth Day. Like most people this annual “holiday” snuck up on me like a rabid ocelot, so after my usual Sunday routine of burning garbage with a starter kit containing a lighter, aerosol-canned hair spray, and fossilized dodo bird eggs (a highly underrated source of kindling, fyi), I felt guilted into doing something to celebrate sweet Mother Earth. Naturally, I marked the occasion and showed my support as is the norm with my generation: sending a tweet from my smartphone while on the john. Behold my pithy 140-character message in all its glory:
Hey look! I’m on twitter! Follow me! I’ll follow you back! Probably.
At the risk of explaining and hence ruining my own joke, two years ago here in DC they unveiled a “bag tax” of 5 cents per plastic bag. The objective, I believe, was partly environmental–to curb the proliferation of eco-unfriendly plastic bags–and partly societal–to cut down on the resources available to crazy bag ladies on the bus. Regardless of its motivations, the bag tax is here, is queer, so get used to it. Hence the hilariousness of my tweet. 4 cents is less than 5 cents, so buying them from me at a 1 cent discount would save you money. A little mathematical humor. Get it?! Whatever. You wouldn’t know funny if it sat next to you on the bus and started beating you with a bag full of other bags.
So as part of the Earth Day tradition of being really, really bored, I decided to act on my hilariously witty tweet and see if I could get any takers for this deal on craigslist. The link is of course no longer up so here’s the screenshot:
Or follow me on Craigslist! I post in the “missed connections” section under the username “Vanilla Thunder”
Ms. Bag Lady Chic, cover girl for the upcoming “Derelict” fashion line. Also possibly homeless.
For you grammar and/or math sticklers out there, I’ll have you know I purposely made some errors in this listing so people would think it was not a prank but just the posting of an complete idiot. Actually when I was typing this, I tried to channel my inner “Balki” voice, but I was never very good with accents. Sadly I only got one response, an email from someone who simply said “Wow!! Are you serious??” to which I replied, “yes but I forgot to say in ad I cannot pay for shipping.” Radio silence after that. I was hoping for more responses, maybe even from that bag-filming weirdo in American Beauty in order to concoct a longer blog post, but unfortunately like the fantasized affair between Kevin Spacey’s character and his daughter’s jailbait friend, it was not to be.
Since this prank failed to garner the responses I would have hoped for, I have another few up my sleeve I’ll be unveiling over the next few months. Without spoiling the surprise, they may involve groupons to Viking Quest restaurant (since people seem to believe it’s real and all), two-for-one deals on pap smears, and a battery-operated perpetual motion machine. So with that teaser, I leave you with bated breath, anticipating more craigslist shenanigans and Twilight reviews. Just don’t bate too long. Prolonged bating of breath is one of the leading causes of death in the US, second only to birth.
