Author’s Note: Today, we complete a trilogy together (actually, you haven’t done much except sit there and read, just saying): my Sarcasm Series. Don’t gnash your teeth or anything though—my quest to conform the world to the language of wit will never end, and I’m sure that will be reflected from time to time in my writings here at TWR. But for now, let’s finish off the trifecta with the “Holy Spirit” in my irreverent take on the trinity, ie In Which I Tell You How To Be the Perfect Parent. From my own experience doing so, natch.
“How do you manage to do it all so perfectly?” I often hear from people, typically over drinks at the W or from the leather pedicure chairs at the local spa, and after I text the babysitter, “Oops! I’m going to be three hours late again,” I answer them. Juggling motherhood, marriage, and a career isn’t easy—for anyone else, let’s be clear—but it’s not impossible. And with these surefire tips, you’ll be well on your own way to perfecting the art of parenthood.
1. Assume your child will automatically reflect whichever parenting book you chose off the shelf. I focused my guidance search on sleep manuals, because there was no way I was going to let the little one interfere with my nine hours a night, thank you very much! Sure, there were times when he would wake at 3am demanding food and I’d have to roll out of bed to address the situation with a cribside chat. But after a few minutes of reasonable explanation given through the wooden slats, the crying stopped. At least, I think it did. I woke up several hours later on the floor of the nursery in a pool of my own drool. And that, my friends, is what they call sleeping through the night! (What, you thought it referred to the kid?)