Two weeks ago, we here at The Wheelhouse Review unveiled our first ever readers poll. The stakes were simple but terrifying: if I won, Juliet had to watch and then write a review of the instant classic “The Expendables” (2010); if I lost, I had to do the same with the first of the insufferable “Twilight” series. Whether people were confused by the wording and voted “for” me by choosing the option that read “Ryan watches Twilight to learn you can be a 107-year old virgin with sex appeal,” or the more likely scenario, that I have a bunch of sadistic friends who share an unbridled enthusiasm for psychological torture of the cinematic variety, in the final tally I got crushed: 29-11. I tried going negative and calling Juliet’s patriotism into question (issue still unresolved). Then I tried going positive and doing the whole door-to-door politician act, complete with kissing hands and shaking babies, and that seemed to only make it worse. But a man is only as good as his word, so as promised, here’s my review of Twilight. Enjoy you cretins.
“Twilight” is a taboo-breaking, progressive film that both educates and titillates its viewers over the course of its 122 minute running time. Similar to what “Weekend at Bernie’s 2” did for the cause of interracial, necrophiliac romance–shown by the bond between the Haitian voodoo priestess and very-much-still-dead Bernie–”Twilight” shows us that love can exist between prey and reformed predator, mortal and immortal, pale and even paler. Most importantly, it shows how two potential lovers can overcome their glaring character flaws: Edward, whose vampiric nature causes him to bemoan that he is a “monster” who’s done unspeakable things in his past; and Bella, who for all intents and purposes, is a blithering idiot.
While I assume most of our readers here are Twilight aficionados who know the plot in all its detail, let me offer a summary of the first installment of the Twilight series before moving on to my pithy and insightful critiques. To set the mood for the movie, you may want to get out a few cloves of garlic. Or to truly get the full “Twilight” experience, just bang your head against the wall half a dozen times while holding your breath. Then repeat this several times until suspension of disbelief is medically achieved.