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Here at The Wheelhouse Review I wear many hats: Resident Eye Candy, Unlicensed Lifestyle Columnist, In-house Particle Physicist, and even Untrained Haberdasher. To add yet another hat to my now-massive head, I also take care of some of the techy stuff. That means making sure the site looks nice and pretty, keeping out computer and alternatively-transmitted viruses, and ensuring the site contains the requisite number of hidden Freemason symbols pictures of cats in hilarious poses. That, and I check to see what search terms lead people to our not-so-humble site. Below are some highlights and my cyber-sleuth take on where they’re coming from:
Photo taken from Ryan’s building ID. Courtesy of volacci.com
- Tops on the list is “The wheelhouse review.” Though almost a dozen people have come to our site searching for simply “wheelhouse review,” which would also lead them to our arch-nemesis. No further explanation is necessary and perhaps I’ve said too much.
- Coming in a close second are various searches containing the word “clowns,” including gems such as “evil clowns attack,” “evil clown baby,” “evil clowns under the bed,” “teenage mutant ninja turtles evil clowns,” and “brave little evil clown.” My verdict: A) many people are scared of clowns and looking for answers, or B) many clowns are evil and are looking for victims. My money is on B.
- Many a search for “higgs boson,” the best of which are “higgs boson to make clothing,” and “higgs boson you’re fat.” You heard it here first: Higgs boson plus-sized clothing will be the hottest fashion trend of the fall! Hurry and buy now, Higgs boson muumuus are running–or rather, slowly plodding–out fast!
- Quite a few about TWR’s book club, likely from people who haven’t read the book looking for cliff’s notes.
- “captain crunch hurts the roof of your mouth,” a phrase so overused in our posts we’ve had to formally ban it.
- a hilariously mistyped “wheelhouse bra and grill.” Possibly the culinary extension of our literary magazine.
- “I’m sorry I can’t be what you want me to be.” We’re sorry too! Stop googling when you should be working, Tommy the Indolent Intern!
- “my grandchildren are driving me batshit crazy.” Obviously Tommy’s grandma has learned to use the computer.
- “i want you.” Whoever searched for that, know this: we want you too.
- “let’s eat together.” Good idea, then after that we can commence wanting each other.
- “invent 4 wheelhouse car.” Plan B in case of “Wheelhouse bra and grill” restaurant failure.
- “how to improve cooking skill of my mother.” Quick tip: be a better son or daughter.
- “women say leave me alone.” Yeah well making your mom a better cook won’t help, cretin.
- “women on cruises”. Confession: that was probably me.
- “almanzo porn.” Oops! Me again.
- “are there any famous male advice columnists.” See above.
- “walking on a girl looking for money or foodporn.” We’re huge in the horny ESL community.
- “i am man waiting for sex i have money” Again, see above.
- “are dear abby letters real” Yes, Virginia! They are!
- “general memorium [sic] for a young man.” Ouch. Worst. Eulogy. Ever.
- “the first will be the last and the last will be the first,” Oh man, four more syllables and you had a haiku!
- “how many fortune cookies do americans eat?” Good question! The answer is 4 8 15 16 23 and 42.
- “how to gently let down a salesperson,” I don’t know, but you shouldn’t pick them up in the first place. Especially if they’re selling knives.
- “the parties jesus attended.” All of them! Plus most athletic events, especially those involving Tim Tebow.
- “the way of dancing in the time of jesus christ,” very good question, and I haven’t read the good book in a while, but when JC put his hands up on your hips, then he dips, you dip, we dipped.
- “manic pixie dream girl cracked.” Who’s the whistleblower who leaked the secret password to get entrance to my treehouse?! Now I have nowhere to go and cry in private….
- “hi,” Ahnyang!
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