Jim Lehrer: Good evening from Centre College in Danville, Kentucky. I’m Jim Lehrer of the PBS NewsHour, and I welcome you to the first and only vice-presidential debate of 2012 between University of Phoenix rejectee Ryan White and Congressman Paul Ryan. Joe Biden was last seen speaking at length with an empty wooden chair and is unable to attend tonight’s debate.
Tonight’s 90 minutes will follow a format designed by the commission. There will be six roughly 15-minute segments, with two-minute answers for the first question, then–
Ryan White: Jim if I could just stop you there for a minute, I’d like to jump right in and respond directly to the Congressman.
Jim: Mr. White, the Congressman hasn’t said anything yet.
Ryan White: Like hell he hasn’t. He’s been going around the country, doing his whole “Dreamboat Ryan” schtick, bragging about his negative body fat percent, and breaking Mach-3 on marathons. It’s ridiculous. I am the original Dreamboat Ryan! I demand we settle this now once and for all!
Paul Ryan: That’s absurd. In my campaign stops around the country I’ve been speaking to the American people. Telling them our vision for a better future. Relating to them and showing how I feel their pain from the past four years of the Obama administration.
Ryan White: You feel their what? That’s perverse, Congressman! You should apologize right now and admit that I am the most handsome Ryan of them all!
Paul Ryan: I will do no such thing! And people don’t care about some vice-presidential beauty contest. They care about the issues. They want a balanced budget and a real job creation plan. They want the government out of their lives. And they want to borrow my copy of Atlas Shrugged.
Ryan White: Oh Congressman, your naivete is adorable. Endearing even. Like a little 3-legged puppy limping around in circles. But we all know that looks matter whether you admit it or not. Politics is Hollywood for ugly people–ugly, middle-aged, white men people. But that doesn’t mean the He-Belle of the Ball doesn’t have a leg up (apologies to the puppy referenced before). Case in point. FDR was grotesque and couldn’t even win a seat on his upstate New York town council until he got extensive plastic surgery.
Paul Ryan: There’s no way that’s true.
Ryan White: That’s what the liberal media wants you to think, hippie.
Jim: I’m sorry but I don’t see how this fits into the format we agreed upon for tonight’s—.
Ryan White: Jim, seriously. Enough with the interruptions. It’s very rude and unbecoming of a journalist. Even a public access one. Ok, how about this then. I’ll throw this out to the audience: if you think I am the most handsome Ryan, text 7926 to 1-888-DEBATE1. If you think the congressman is, text 2097360209828764023290-8$^n to the same number.
Paul Ryan: Jim, can you step in here and stop this nonsense so we can talk about the real issues.
Ryan White: Ha! Your precious public broadcasting can’t save you now, Paul. Look at him over there! It’s like Weekend at Bernie’s.
Jim Lehrer: Good evening from Centre College in Danville, Kentucky. I’m Jim Lehrer of the PBS NewsHour, and I welcome you to the first and only vice-presidential debate of 2012–
Ryan White: Ah! It lives!
Jim: –for the first question of the night, I would like to ask each of you what you thought the biggest difference was between your platforms.
Paul Ryan: Thank you Jim, that’s an excellent question. Our economy is failing and our country is at risk of losing the its greatness without strong leadership and a reversal of the socialist policies of the last four years that have…. Jim! He’s making faces at me! How can this debate go on when he keeps behaving this way?
Ryan White: Jim, do you guys have that cool split screen thing showing on TVs my reaction is superimposed next to the Congressman’s.
Jim Lehrer: Yes, I believe many stations are airing the debate this way.
Ryan White: Haha awesome. Did you see what I just did there? I was making this awesome shadow puppet of a horse when he was talking and it looked like it was gnawing at his ear when he was going on and on about how he’s a socialist and wants to kill Big Bird.
Paul Ryan: That’s exactly the opposite of what I was saying. I said we need to move away from the socialist policies of the last four years. And I said no such thing about Big Bird. I love Big Bird!
Ryan White: That’s not what you said backstage. You said you hated PBS and cherished children’s programs like Sesame Street.
Paul Ryan: You’re taking my words wildly out of context. I merely said that the government should not be in the business of funding media. It should be left to the private sector.
Ryan White: So then Big Bird and the rest of the Sesame Street gang should go off into the wilderness and fend for themselves? Do you know what would happen to Big Birds without government protection? They’re gigantic, flightless birds, Congressmen. They’ll literally be eaten alive! And Lord knows what havoc you’ve unleashed upon our nation if the cookie monster is roaming the streets jonesing for his next batch….
Big-Bird-Killing-Ryan: Jim, can you step in and stop this nonsense? We have serious issues to talk about.
Non-Big-Bird-Killing-Ryan: Oh I’m sorry, Jim can’t hear you now, Paul. His funding has been cut. You just killed Jim Lehrer. Was the slaying of Big Bird not enough to quench your bloodlust?
Big-Bird-and-News-Anchor-Killing-Ryan: Ok I’m not going to stand here and waste my time if you’re going to accuse me of murder.
Jim: Good evening from Centre College in Danville, Kentucky. I’m Jim Lehrer of the PBS NewsHour, and I welcome you to the first–
Good Ryan: Ugh, you see what you did to poor Jim, Paul. He’s a mess. I hope you’re happy.
Bad Ryan: That’s enough. I’m going to my closing statement. If you’re tired of the government interfering and mismanaging the economy; if you’re no better off today than you were four years ago; if you believe in the power of individual spirit over reliance on government, vote for Mitt Romney and me as on the Republican party ticket. If you want some beauty obsessed, shadow-puppet making, maniac, vote for this guy and…what party do you represent anyway?
Good Ryan: Good question. I’m running under the Powerball party and my running mate is 15-26-34-36-59 and 10. Vote for us on November 6th and remember to text 7926 to 1-888-DEBATE1.
This debate was brought to you by the letter R, and is made possible by donations from viewers like you. And no thanks to Paul Ryan.