Much has been said about Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle newsletter, goop (or “GOOP”). I’m going to add to those many words because it is one of the best/worst things out there. The newsletter is tone deaf lifestyle p0rn, to be frank. But like any site of that nature, you just can’t stop hate reading. So pretentious! So 1%! So utterly unaware that most of us aren’t actresses married to rock stars! And so addictive!
The website that archives the weekly newsletter is a lovely, minimalist, clean site (jot down the word “clean” as we’ll be discussing this later). It started off as an archive but seems to be expanding into different sections – primarily the shopping portal, goop collection, but also a recipes section and a city guide app. So with a few key purchases and lifestyle decisions, you can be just like Gwyneth!
2. Be blond
Honestly I don’t know how much this helps but it certainly can’t hurt.
3. Enjoy cooking and eating food
I once sat a table away from Gwynnie at a restaurant known for delicious, rich Italian food. It was an awesome meal. She and her dining companion Mario Batali seemed to enjoy it too. No snark here: girl likes food and that is awesome!
4. Have famous friends
“So, one Sunday night I was sitting around at home when I got an email from my friend, the magnificent chef, José Andrés.” If he doesn’t have the brunch ideas you need, check with your pal Ina. Have a question for Diane von Furstenberg? Just ask her!
5. Give your children unique names
Moses. Apple. Sure, they’re no Pilot Inspektor, but they’re just quirky enough to be unique and pretentious enough to make you and your progeny seem superior to all the Sophies and Maxes out there. Because obviously you ARE superior.
Notice no verb on this one. That’s because for GOOP aficionados, kale isn’t something you eat or juice or roast with olive oil, salt and pepper to make kale chips. Kale is a way of life. If you’re not eating kale at least two meals a day (one of which must be breakfast), you’re doing it wrong.
7. Have staff
One of my all time favorite goop issues is a day in the life of several working mothers. They have it all. They all have staff. Do the math.
Keep it clean, people – not just your minimalist decor but what you’re putting in your body. In theory, this sounds good: be healthy, be mindful, make good choices. But it quickly becomes a large set of rules: no dairy, no wheat, no citrus, no oats, no red meat, no nuts, no soy, no starches, no nightshades, no sugar, etc, etc, ad infinitum. Is this how you want to live your life, in a deprivation cycle? You betcha, if you want to live the goop way.
9. Enjoy buying things
I hate shopping. It’s crowded and frustrating and expensive and annoying. But goop recommends stores, styles and curates its own collection. It tends toward expensive – $750 suede brogues, for example – but is always very, very tasteful. And really, money should be no object to the goop lifestylist. It’s a gentle, passive shopping technique: Gwyneth tells you what to get and how to wear/eat/decorate with it, and with a click of a button or two, it’s yours. You may scoff at the prices initially, but newsletter by newsletter your tolerance will change. (Reader, I ended up getting the silk boy shirt in French hen and it is adorable.)
10. Travel extensively
As a celebrity, Gwyneth is a frequent traveler. As a frequent business traveler myself, I was curious as to how my flying technique measured up to the master’s. I am happy to endorse her suggestions, particularly the crucial blazer strategy (helps with upgrades!), along with her packing tips. Remember: be a pro and carry on.
And there you have it! From you to goop in just 10 easy steps. Congrats, and welcome to the dark side!