Ever wondered why there are so many scantily clad cops, firefighters, and nurses on the street each Halloween? It is to mark the founding of the Sexy Municipal Workers Union (SMWU) on October 31, 1995. Prior to that day, inappropriately dressed civil servants were dismissed and denied the respect they deserve, simply because they weren’t wearing enough clothing. History has shown that this gathering was as important to the labor movement as the Homestead Strike and the protests following the Triangle Shirtwaist factory fire. The following is a transcript of a speech given by a Sexy Union Organizer, marking the founding of the union.
My fellow Sexy Municipal Workers it is time to stand up together, in our impossibly high heels and short skirts (or shorts), and unite for better working conditions and pay. I propose that from this October 31st onward, we commemorate the sacrifices that sexy cops, firefighters, nurses, construction workers, and librarians have made to society. You toil away in your jobs, just like your non-sexy, male counterparts, yet in low cut and flimsily constructed uniforms. You put up with the leers and the looks and not being taken seriously because you have bravely chosen to do your job well, but seductively. You are dismissed as vapid simply because you show some-to-a lot-of cleavage. Enough is enough. It’s time to unite.
We demand more pay, simply because the cost of living a sexy life is expensive. How else will we fund our waxes, our blowouts, our mani/pedis? We demand shorter hours so that we can go to the gym in order to keep it tight. And we demand workdays that will allow us to take breaks throughout the day to blot away our shine and reapply our lipstick. Without our contributions, male fantasies of civil service would be based entirely on women wearing baggy polyester uniforms and flats or those ugly rubber clogs.But, I am sad to tell you, my sexy sisters, we’ve also excluded our other scantily clad municipal compatriots and refused them entry (heh) into our sexy ranks. Certainly, if you prick a Sexy Sanitation Worker, does she not bleed. adorably cry “ouch!” and make a pouty face too? And what about Sexy Crossing Guards? North Korea is already light years ahead of us in recognizing the singular ways in which a woman can use her body to stop traffic.
I ask again: what about Sexy Lunch Ladies? What could be hotter than a woman in latex gloves serving you food? And in a hairnet? Everyone knows that a hairnet is just fishnet stockings for your head. Or what about our sisters underground, the Sexy Subway Station Attendants, who ensure that fares are paid, while wearing the top buttons undone on their blouses? And finally, far too many Sexy Tollbooth Workers sit in their booths IN OBSCURITY without anyone able to notice how short their skirts really are (or if they’re even wearing them). Where is their recognition? Where is their day in the sun?
I want to show you a short video we’ve made of what could be possible if we stick together:
Ladies, together, we can step boldly out of our figurative binders, representing the best and Blondest. One day, when our work is done, we may even have a Sexy President of the United States of America! Sexy Municipal Workers of the World Unite! Yes, we totally can!