About Danny Mortensen

Danny Mortensen is a native of nowhere in particular. He lived in a couple South American countries, went to college in Texas, and somehow ended up living in Washington, D.C., where he prefers to walk rather than wait for the bus. When not looking for ways to fight The Man, he thoroughly enjoys his gracious friends, making food, and going on adventures (in the Bilbo Baggins sense of the term).

Jesus and the Parable of the Barista

I originally conceived of this as nothing but a simple exercise in Bible humor. Why not re-write famous pronouncements and stories from Jesus’s teachings so that they speak revolutionary wisdom to American coffee snob culture instead of first-century, Roman-occupied, Greek-influenced Jewish culture? This could go viral, right? Right…?

Courtesy of radiofreebabylon.com's Coffee With Jesus comic

Courtesy of radiofreebabylon.com’s Coffee With Jesus comic

Anyway. Thinking of the silly possibilities was the easy part. Here are a few for your consideration:

“You hypocrite, how can you say to your neighbor, ‘Get that Eight O’Clock coffee out of your cabinet!’ while paying no attention to the Folgers in your own cabinet?” Matthew 7:3-5

“Then, opening their recyclable bags, they offered him gifts: a burr grinder, a wood-handled pouring kettle, and a Bonmac ceramic dripper.” Matthew 2:11

“Is there anyone among you who, if your child asks for a bag of Stumptown’s Guatemala Finca Semillero Tekisic, will give them Maxwell House? Or if the child asks for half-and-half, will give them powdered creamer full of corn syrup solids?” Matthew 7:9-10 Continue reading