About Lily Hahn

LILY HAHN (understudy: Contributor). Wheelhouse Review debut. Theatre: Oliver, Alice in Wonderland, Into the Woods, Falsettoland, The Vagina Monologues. TV:  “Law and Order”, “The Good Wife”. Thanks to Mom and Dad for your love and support

Your Horoscopes: Deconstructed–Chinese New Year Edition!

3….2….1…. Happy 4710!!!

Sunday, February 10th marked the Chinese New Year.  Welcome to the year of the Snake.  In celebration, here are your deconstructed Chinese horoscopes.

Chinese horoscopes are based on the year that you were born.  If you don’t know what your Chinese zodiac sign is: 1) have you never studied your place setting at a Chinese restaurant?! and 2) consult the following online calculator.

Rat
It may be difficult to surrender anything that has sentimental meaning for you. This might be an excellent day to invite a more practical person to help you look at your house and begin to toss out what is truly no longer needed.

Hey.  Stop being such a pack rat.  Instead, go off and watch the original “Ocean’s 11” and then tattle on someone. Shoobie doo waaaaaaa!

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Your Horoscopes: Deconstructued–Mayan Apocalypse Edition!

The following are actual horoscopes from the L.A.Times. Minus the coddling.

Aries
If your future lay concealed beneath a silken cloth and you were allowed to have a brief peek, what would you want to see? Would you even want to have a peek? You might decide knowing what the future holds isn’t as appealing as it sounds. With little effort, you can clearly see where you will be soon. Trust that the sense of excitement you feel is justified.

Fine, you want to peek underneath the silken cloth? Here goes: in two days, you’ll be facing a tidal wave of fire as flaming skulls suck out your soul. (Told you it would be justifyingly exciting!)

Taurus
There’s a saying that goes ‘never try to teach a pig to sing, it only wastes your time and annoys the pig’. Someone would be wise to take this on board where trying to persuade you to accept their point of view is concerned. Taurean stubbornness is legendary but you have a good reason not to succumb or be cajoled in some way now. Hold your ground.

You are a stubborn pig. Stay away from karaoke.

Gemini
We’ve all had a song ‘stuck’ in our heads and a thought is likely to be going round and round inside your head now, an incessant thought that simply won’t leave you alone. This might have something to do with a certain person whom you’ve possibly become distanced from. Its persistence isn’t intended to annoy – it is intended to spur you into action!

Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy. But here’s my number! So call me maybe!

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Got Cancer? Your Horoscopes: Deconstructed

The following are actual horoscopes from the L.A.Times. Minus the coddling.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
Recipes require ingredients to be mixed in correct measures and cooked at correct temperatures. Although scope exists to deviate slightly where certain ingredients are concerned, for best results, it is best to stick to the recipe. It’s possible to cut a proverbial corner in a certain area now. You’d be well advised to stick to the original plan otherwise a retracing of steps is very likely!

Now that Thanksgiving is over, you should know that if you ever add chestnuts to the stuffing again, I’m going to throw my Martha-Stewart-approved 18-pound turkey at your head.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
The ‘lever’ was probably discovered around the same time as the wheel, maybe even before then if the stone needed to create the wheel required prying from the ground! Science behind small amounts of force moving considerably larger objects is relevant to you now. You don’t need to exert as much force as you believe to cause a significant shift to what appears to be unmovable.

This is reminder to stick to your Caveman diet. You’re getting so fat that I can’t even move you with a ‘lever’.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Reputations, they say, are made every day during every minute of the day. We place varying levels of importance upon how we’re seen by others but if we’re honest with ourselves, we care what others think. You’re likely to find yourself in a controversial situation likely to have others’ tongues wagging. When the need to defend a decision arises, have your answers ready.

Look at me. I’m judging you. It doesn’t bother you? It should.Tell me why I shouldn’t hate you right now. I’m using a tongue-wagging metaphor to remind you that your dog is hungry.

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