About Patrick J

Patrick J. lives in Washington D.C. His high school senior quote was “If you’re robbing a bank, and your pants fall down, I think it’s okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.” He recently quit a federal consulting job to write fiction and essays full-time, despite never having published, never taken a writing class, and not even being especially well-read. Why? Because, come on, life is funny.

Breaking News: Eccentric And Wealthy Tycoon Announces 2016 Presidential Bid We Think

Live Update 3:34pm: Donald Duck, wealthy heir to the Duck family fortune, is believed to have announced his bid for president of Walt Disney World today, although most news outlets aren’t exactly sure.

Courtesy of YouTube

At a press conference today, standing in front of a large banner with a Mickey Mouse head silhouette and “2016” emblazoned inside, Duck said, “Quack quack Orlando quack [inaudible] 2016 quack [inaudible] fun quack Walt Disney quack.”

The Donald, a moniker given to him by his long-time partner Daisy Duck, is widely known for his eccentricity, candor, and a tendency to ruffle the feathers of his rivals, a reputation he will likely use to position himself as an outsider to the typical establishment Orlando, FL politicians–that is, if he is actually running. Continue reading

Discovery of the Century

Professor Haru,

It has been too long. As you can see from the return address, I am writing to you from our facility in Alexandria, where a majority of our most exciting research has been the last few years. I am thrilled to announce that we have done it. It is the breakthrough we’ve been waiting for—undoubtedly, the scientific discovery of the century. You probably know what I’m referring to at this point, but it stirs in my bowel such great pride to spell it out: we have observed early empirical evidence that ghosts do act within the present material world!

I hope not to bore you since you are not only a pioneer in parapneumatology, but also my mentor; however, I cannot and would not bottle the excitement. I suspect, neither would you. So forgive me for repeating to you the things you already know (many of which, you yourself literally wrote the textbooks on!), but I think in my excitement, my exposition here will help give solid form to my watery thoughts for when we finalize the analysis and publish our findings. Bear with me as I flush this out for you.

Courtesy of travelblog.portfoliocollection.com

Courtesy of travelblog.portfoliocollection.com

As you know, the spirits of living things, contrary to popular belief, sink deep down into the earth (not into the sky!) according to the Haru spirit/matter density (SMD) proportion. Humans, as you also know, have too dense an SMD relative to the earth to remain on its surface and are thus one of the fastest spirits to depart, making human ghosts[1] a nearly impossible proposition (despite science fiction and horror film makers insisting otherwise—the evidence simply does not support it. Why do scientists consistently battle the media for truth!). Though there was some skepticism that any organism’s post-mortem non-material entity (NME) would manifest as a ghost, we believe we have found the only organism with a favorable SMD proportion relative to that of the earth, so as to inhibit the departure from the surface earth (SE). It is aphodiinae, the small dung beetle (SDB).

Continue reading