About SydRock

SydRock is a true American Badass. A politically incorrect government droid, Syd is one insult away from losing her job at all times (“Living on the Edge” streams in the background). She rarely jokes, but when she does it’s at other people’s expense. One of DC’s most eligible Bachelorettes will probably stay that way if she keeps blogging about farts and genitalia. Easily offended? SydRock’s face also doubles as a dart board. Her blog Capital Sarcasm was voted, “Most Amazing Thing in the World” by God, creator of the world, and “Funniest Thing on the Internet” by Al Gore, creator of the internet. Not impressed yet? Follow her on Facebook or on Twitter for your daily dose of Sass.

Dear Congress: An Open Letter You’ll Never Read

(Editor’s note: This post was originally published on Syd Rock’s blog)

Dear Congress,

It’s me again! Apparently my first few attempts to correct your behavior have failed. I tried calling the Supernanny, but she was busy. As an American I feel it is my duty not to give up on you, so I will attempt once more time to polish this turd.

Come real close, I have to let you in on a little secret. The country thinks you are incompetent, self-advancing and worthless. This saddens me as a political enthusiast who has spent the better part of her life defending you and the exceptional government machine that ‘Merica has cultivated. “America works so well because we have checks and balances”, uttered a younger (chubbier–hey I liked carbs) version of myself. I would appreciate you not making a fool of me.

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10 Ways That Congress Can Gain My Respect

1. Man the f*ck up.

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2. Stop using the word “recess”. You don’t work while you are actually at work so when you are off gallivanting for photo ops at the Dairy Queen, it is insulting that you have the audacity to call it recess. But if you must refer to it as child’s play, please, for the love of god, refrain from taking said “recess” the week before a deadline which holds the lives of almost 1 million government employees in limbo.

3. Stop worrying about getting reelected. You know what WON’T help you get reelected? Sending the nation into the biggest economic crisis of the 21st century because, you were too whipped by your party to have your OWN VOICE. There is no possible way that you agree 100% with everything your party tells you, so grow a pair and compromise.

4. Chill with the thumbs up. Do you know where most the nation wants you to stick that?

5. Listen then adapt. I know most of you were there for the original signing of the constitution, but it’s 2013. Women, African Americans, and Homosexuals are REAL and have rights, and are not going anywhere. You don’t have to agree with it but shit is happening (gasp).  So take your jaw off the ground, check your BINGO card for B-7, and then make some decisions that are relevant to the world today.

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Sequestration Babies

It is now mid-February and the greatest nation in the world has yet to sign a plan to avoid sending the country directly into its 1 March doomsday with sequestration (to be fair they only had 730 days to avoid it).

As I know all of you have such a vested interest in my personal well-being, I thought I would let you know I will be okay. Yes, as a government employee there is a potential for me to lose 20% of my pay for the remainder of the fiscal year, leaving me unable to pay my rent, car, insurance, student loans, and groceries — but hey, I am a chameleon and can adapt. I have devised a foolproof plan to avoid personal financial devastation.

I am going to become a gestational carrier.
For those of you who are now highlighting that phrase to plop it into “Mr. Google”, I will save you some time: I want to have your babies inside me! I want nothing more than for you to use and abuse my body like a human oven, slowly cooking the fetus of your choice until that dinger pops 9 months from now — coincidentally right at the end of the fiscal year.

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Pinterest: Fad or Sad?

Pinterest has rapidly become the new “it” girl in the social media revolution.  It’s so hot Kris Jenner would probably trade the chubby Kardashian sister for it. This virtual pin board captures its audience by providing a platform for users to post, share, and showcase all of their ideas and creations.

If Pinterest was cocaine I’d be Lindsay Lohan. #boogersugar

Personally, I am obsessed. Like strap-a-strait-jacket-on-me, pad the walls, obsessed. It will likely take me three days to finish this article because I will pull down my browser and find a new recipe for cookies shaped like puppies, wrapped in bacon, and stuffed in a homemade decoupage box—pin it! Why is this so addictive?

Pinterest is an escape from reality into a dream world full of things you could never have, pictures of girls you could never look like, and crafty items you weren’t creative enough to think of yourself. But what happens when you wake up from the dream? How long can we stay on this fluffy Pinterest cloud before the lightning bolt of reality comes? Let’s examine “Exhibit A” (I have always wanted to say that, don’t get your hopes up there is no Exhibit B. I am way too lazy to fully back up my positions with research, philosophical reasoning or analysis– YAY for Public School).