1. Man the f*ck up.

2. Stop using the word “recess”. You don’t work while you are actually at work so when you are off gallivanting for photo ops at the Dairy Queen, it is insulting that you have the audacity to call it recess. But if you must refer to it as child’s play, please, for the love of god, refrain from taking said “recess” the week before a deadline which holds the lives of almost 1 million government employees in limbo.

3. Stop worrying about getting reelected. You know what WON’T help you get reelected? Sending the nation into the biggest economic crisis of the 21st century because, you were too whipped by your party to have your OWN VOICE. There is no possible way that you agree 100% with everything your party tells you, so grow a pair and compromise.

4. Chill with the thumbs up. Do you know where most the nation wants you to stick that?

5. Listen then adapt. I know most of you were there for the original signing of the constitution, but it’s 2013. Women, African Americans, and Homosexuals are REAL and have rights, and are not going anywhere. You don’t have to agree with it but shit is happening (gasp).  So take your jaw off the ground, check your BINGO card for B-7, and then make some decisions that are relevant to the world today.

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It is now mid-February and the greatest nation in the world has yet to sign a plan to avoid sending the country directly into its 1 March doomsday with sequestration (to be fair they only had 730 days to avoid it).

As I know all of you have such a vested interest in my personal well-being, I thought I would let you know I will be okay. Yes, as a government employee there is a potential for me to lose 20% of my pay for the remainder of the fiscal year, leaving me unable to pay my rent, car, insurance, student loans, and groceries — but hey, I am a chameleon and can adapt. I have devised a foolproof plan to avoid personal financial devastation.

I am going to become a gestational carrier.
For those of you who are now highlighting that phrase to plop it into “Mr. Google”, I will save you some time: I want to have your babies inside me! I want nothing more than for you to use and abuse my body like a human oven, slowly cooking the fetus of your choice until that dinger pops 9 months from now — coincidentally right at the end of the fiscal year.

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Pinterest has rapidly become the new “it” girl in the social media revolution.  It’s so hot Kris Jenner would probably trade the chubby Kardashian sister for it. This virtual pin board captures its audience by providing a platform for users to post, share, and showcase all of their ideas and creations.

If Pinterest was cocaine I’d be Lindsay Lohan. #boogersugar

Personally, I am obsessed. Like strap-a-strait-jacket-on-me, pad the walls, obsessed. It will likely take me three days to finish this article because I will pull down my browser and find a new recipe for cookies shaped like puppies, wrapped in bacon, and stuffed in a homemade decoupage box—pin it! Why is this so addictive?